Happy St. Patrick's Day!

March 17, 2026 FRIENDO's ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

friendo,

i have been made an offer of aid by

the mor-rhiogan,

the goddess of three forms: maiden, mother, crone.

maiden, yes.

mother, okay.

but the crone? no thank you. what is to be done with an old woman? it's embarrassing.

shall i accept this offer, or face the wars alone?

please respond quickly, i have bleached my hair with lime for battle and if it sets too long it gets all stiff and gross.

-the hound of ulster

Dear hound of ulster,

Bah. I finally receive a letter from a demigod, and it is full of human filth. I will do you the favor of burning the page so your foolish words do not follow you.

Are humans embarrassed when they are kicked by an old horse? Not more than a filly. Is it embarrassing to be mauled by a female lion? Not moreso than a male I would say. This distraction with oldness and womanness is petty humanity. You have allowed the humans to make you forget yourself. To think the mor-rioghan would offer herself to you as a maid if she knows you will disrespect her as a crone. Humbug!

Humans fear crones because they are of no practical use to men, and they have gathered the wisdom of the people. They are ungovernable. So men disdain them. You seem to have forgotten the old ways, and it will follow you. Dance to the new music, which is also the old music, or it will follow you.

Tomorrow on the road to battle, you will pass a washer at the ford, a crone as you say. You will see she is washing blood off of clothing and armor, and the water will run thick and red around her.

As you approach, you will come to recognize that the clothing she is washing is your clothing. The armor she is washing is your armor.

Here is your choice: you may choose to lay down your sword, join the crone and wash yourself in the blood.

Or you may continue on to battle.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.

the harlequin deities of show

May 12 2025

FRIENDO's ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!1It's a Scorpion full moon tonight and our irregular advice columnist Friendo of FRIENDO's ADVICE has sold friendo's soul to the harlequin deities of "show".

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Friendo will be producing a sketch show this June very much in unfriendly competition with spit&vigor's regular programming.

Tickets will be on sale soon, keep your eyes peeled before Friendo does it for you!! To reserve seats, carve the date "June 26th" into your forearm with a clean blade anointed with oil.

REJOICE.

In honor of these fair tidings, let's take some frequently asked questions submitted by friendo's legions of devoted followers. If you'd like to submit, please write to the email listed at the end.

We must request no more anatomical renderings, the human body shocks and disdains Friendo.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, do you take phone calls or voicemails? If so, what's your number?

FRIENDO: Indeed I do.

You must empty your home of all earthly possessions, and cover your windows with black masking.

Once that is done, pass around the room three times whispering the name of Friendo all the time.

A black rotary corded telephone will appear in the middle of the floor. Pick up the receiver. You will hear my voice.

I will tell you three truths you are unprepared to hear. Do not hang up the phone until I have uttered three truths, or when you uncover the windows you will not recognize the world you are in any longer.

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo's voice is a terrible rasping hollow noise, like the last breaths of a dying man. You do not hear friendo's words so much as you understand friendo's meaning in your soul. Do not hang up the phone.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what finish do you use to keep yourself looking fresh?

FRIENDO: It is a tinted lacquered resin by Windsor & Newton.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what have we done to deserve such wisdom bestowed upon us?

FRIENDO: Nothing at all. You do not deserve my wisdom. You may choose to see it as my divine benevolence, or my calculated cruelty, as all paths of knowledge inevitably lead to pain and anguish.

FAQ: Friendo... are you... God?

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo did not issue a response to this question but cackled menacingly for seven minutes.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.

Bedeviled in Bethlehem

Jan 4 2025

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

My deah Friendo,

I am writin to ya from de 1917 Big Top circus railway caravan, stopped momentarily at a yard between Philly an New York City, shortly headin onward. Don' wanna give no other info cus de little uni-cycle-riding clowns are already lookin at me funny, like I's lawst my mind, but I figger you'd have sum insight inta my predicament heah. Ah, pahdon the cigar ash, it's gettin all ovah.

So de past few days I's been mindin my own bidniss, coatin de big top wit paraffin wax so's to keep the rain out, "wedder-proofen" an such. I lays it out ovah de wooden train cars, ya know circus-type wit erl lanterns swingin inside (circus ain't shellin out for any a dem new-fangled steel rail cars, that's fer damn sure) an I sees is little black cat, jes eyein me. Sittin next to the pail a paraffin wax, jes cleanin hisself, cleanin hisself, cleanin hisself, wit one green eye jes, locked on me. One night he even slinks right tru my two legs - made me drop my cigarillo inna bucket a wax, and it went up like a flare, I'll tell ya!

Anyways he keeps lookin over at de flame-eaters-- they's always spittin flames out in the rail yard nearby where's I'm workin-- den he looks back at me, wit a liddle face like "what's a matter witchu?"

I tried danglin my kerchief for im ta swat at, but he jes points is lil paw at de guys takin their smoke breaks in the yard, den at ME and drags is lil paw cross his neck. Den he jes stares at me, til he finally jes shakes is lil head like it's sum kinda damn shame.  

Is he tryin ta tell me sometin or am I just goin crazy...? I preciate any help you can give me, im wild by hahf ovah heah.

Thank ya kindly,

Bedeviled in Bethlehem

--

Dear Bedeviled,

Pff. Black cats always think they're saying something.

[Editor's note: Friendo took a moment to scoff again and shake friendos head, staring with cold dead eyes at a blank wall for a moment before moving on, with disgust]

Black cats. Pfft.

Pfft, I say!

Allegedly, black cats turn up when a person is following the wrong path in life. And they think they know everything because they were bestowed with mythic pathfinding abilities by the ancient Celts of all people. Please. I'll come to you when I need a tall... blond... warrior....... well. I'm hurting my own case, but they're a bunch of heathens I assure you.

Still... it's usually wise to consider whatever they think is wisdom, even if you disagree. And in this case, I must say, I highly disagree with this particular cat.

He seems to be suggesting that coating a circus big top tent with highly combustible wax is unwise in some way - but how else would you boil thousands of children alive in dripping hot wax...? I assume that's what you aim to do, I can't think of another reason one might pitch a flammable tent in an isolated clearing, then lure children with candied applies and trick ponies.

It will be a marvelous feast, and just in time for an abundant new year! I suggest a salt and pepper sear with a raspberry compote for human child meat. It seems simple but you're looking to enhance the flavor, not cover it!

You were wise to write to me. It can be difficult to parse our own signs from the universe, particularly when they're coming from goddamn cats. But sometimes they're telling us things we already know deep down. Perhaps he's suggesting you engage one of the flame-eaters in your task, have you been rejecting that community? Or maybe he thinks you should give them more strategic positions so that the tent is inescapable, that's worth considering! Communication is always key when it comes to a child boil.

I have a close associate who eats cats if you need help exterminating this particular one. Otherwise I'd say great work and keep on as you are.

Good luck, and happy new year!

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions?

Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.