Marine misery

Nov 26 2024

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

I know your column is for humans, and I'm only half-human - I hope I qualify!!!!!!!!!1 LOL

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Sorry!! That's just my tail.

Anyway, little known fact, mermaids do climb onto shore once a year to seduce a sailor and steal his heart. Like, literally we take his literal physical heart out of his chest and eat it or something. I don't even know WHYYY LOL it's just kind of what we do, ahhh. But it's only once a year!!

So anyway a few months ago, me and the girlies climbed up onto the shore, spent like an hour practicing walking around like a person - so embarrassing lol - and then we like, stumbled into town but it's fine cause we always go on a festival day so everyone is kind of drunk anyway and we just like blend.

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Whoops! Tail again.

Anyway, I find a sailor, and I'm like, ok let's rip this heart out, but then for the first time like ever... I was shook. Total heart-eyes, like a total fool. And he has the prettiest eyes!! like the ocean which you know I love lol. And I like, stumbled into the street because of my stupid person legs and he like, literally saved my life, he protected me from those big like, manatee things? that pull the land-boats? they go like, clop clop clop and have enormous penises? and they could have crushed me, easily, but he protected me. Which was like, so nice.  So anyway I did not rip his heart out, I literally crawled back into the ocean at the end of the night with no heart at all which is insane.

This has literally never happened before, I genuinely think of human men as like gross pigs for slaughter, honestly sailors are always like "oi darl 'ow much den?" or like, "dangerous out here for a girl like you, ain't it?" and I'm always like "omg nooooo don't hurt me" before I bare my supersuper sharp teeth and rip his whole throat out LOL. But no, this time I don't even want to murder this man, for real. And it's like so sad, I like sit on a rock on the shore and just like, think about him. And like, I sing a little bit about it. Whatever. It's stupid.

Anyway for a while I was like, calling him with the mermaid song (diff from siren song because it's not like, mesmerizing, it doesn't matter but it also does??) because every time he like, comes to the shore, right? but then he's like "please wench release me from this torment", and like "your song is shards of glass in my heart", but like. Why even come then. Like again, my song is not mesmerizing, it's just like "hey, I'm here, I like you, what's up". He's like "why do you compel me sea witch" and I'm like, uh, I'm literally just sitting here singing. It's not my fault I'm hot. So we got into this big fight about it and I accidentally bared my scary mermaid teeth which I try not to do LOL cause it's like, not cute, and now he's too afraid to come to shore.

Do you think it's over? I'll be literally so sad if you think so because like, mermaid lore is such that I genuinely can only give my heart to one person so I'll like, die loving him literally. :(:(:(

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Tail.

Thanks for any help you can give,

Marine Misery

Dear Misery,

Honestly, if I know humans - and I don't really, I have very little interest - It seems like he's playing hard to get. "Shards of glass in my heart", please, write me a poem, John Donne. But, darling, why on Earth would you waste your time worrying about a human male? Why make yourself small to suit him? Bare your teeth. If he can fight a land manatee or whatever* he can get over himself, merwoman.

And just so you know, mermaids eat male hearts for the same reason all ghosts are brides or soldiers. It's revenge. Revenge upon men. Men who take their honor and leave them destitute, men who use boys like pawns in their games of life-size chess, and most importantly - men who encroach upon your home, leave their filthy... oil and... spit and excrement, slay and eat your kind, and give nothing in return.

Never let them forget the war they waged upon you and your kind, taking more than their fair share and leaving only their own filth. Let them live in fear of your tyranny, and let it always be a reminder of their original sins.

So honey, sharpen those teeth and ready yourself for your next festival. You're going to eat their hearts out.

*P.S. Horses. Clop clop, penises, etc - you're thinking about -horses-.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions?

Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.

Respectfully,

May 29. 2024

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet that we use in many of our productions, thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,  

spit&vigor Artistic Director Sara Fellini here. I know we've had our differences in the past but I thought I'd take this opportunity to support the column, toss over a little olive branch, and ask for help with a small issue that could use your particular expertise.

If I remember correctly, you used to trap and eat stray cats. Well! As it turns out, we have unfortunately developed a bit of a stray cat problem in spit&vigor's tiny baby blackbox theatre.

We were rehearsing our upcoming production of A Man Among Ye, the lyfe and tymes of the wench-pyrate Anne Bonny, opening in June, and we kept hearing a rustling in the pile of tulle and velvet we keep in the corner for costumes. You might say, that's not unusual, but usually when we hear rustling in the fabric pile it's accompanied by the soul-trembling scream from Murder Bird as she hunts mice. Right now t's just kind of a regular "mew mew" sound.

(Also note: why does a taxidermied grouse hunt mice? She can't be eating them... It's a separate work issue but please do advise.)

Anyway I do think it's a cat, or several cats. Or it's possible we might have lost an actor...? We'll take a head count at some point but in the meantime, can you give us some, tips and tricks on catching stray cats? Please note that we do not want to eat them!! You can keep any recipes you might have to yourself.

Maybe we can lure it out with that ball of hair and wax you keep in your chest cavity--?

Respectfully,

Sara Fellini

Artistic Director of spit&vigor

Dear Wench,

Well, what a thrilling way to discover my home has a cat infestation. I would copy spit&vigor's HR department if I didn't already know you hired a taxidermied red raccoon that's been missing for four months.

How appropriate for you to be doing a theater production about wench pyrates as you yourself are a wench, and a briny menace to society. It's quite galling that you can still utter your heretical nonsense when your human race should have burned you for heresy a thousand years ago. How dare you use my column to peddle your wares like some jackleg barrow-boy.

I should not waste any oxygen on this, but since I do not breathe, I will condescend to you: I do not, and never have, "eat[en] stray cats", you are confusing me with A.L.F. from the 1980s television sitcom A.L.F. I would assume you meant it as an almost clever slight if you weren't such a staggering dullard.

Furthermore, the ball in my chest cavity happens to be the Lord Byron's wax ball from when I lived in his Swiss mansion as a curiosity among his many peacocks and guinea pigs. This wax ball is where I preserve the stray hairs of notable and impactful people. There are hairs of kings in my wax ball.

But I promise you this: If there is a stray cat in this studio, and it's not one of your actors (although honestly how will I ever know the difference?) I will find this mangy beast, I will catch it, and when I do, I will write the names of my enemies in its blood on the walls of spit&vigor tiny baby blackbox theater... and yours, Sara, will be the first.

And, to reiterate, I am not killing the cat to eat it. I do not eat stray cats.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless lifesize puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed. Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.

Maximilien

April 10 2024

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet that we use in many of our productions, thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Did you know?

Friendo has been giving advice for time immemorial and will be advising us long after we are all dead?

This week, we're stepping back into our archives and blowing the dust off of a "Friendo Classic"!

Dear Friendo,

Hail to your grace! I entreat your swift response, sir, as I am currently mid-combat with my former friend, close as a brother. But my young bride claims he stole into her apartments when I last was on campaign and laid hands on her. As is custom, I have challenged him to a duel in the arena. I entreated the Lord God to only allow me to slay the man if what my wife uttered be true. Her steadfastness bolstered me and after a violent struggle, I have put him to point with my dagger, but now... as I lay here, my blade against his throat, our breath mingled, my faith falters...

I have removed his helm and given him one final opportunity to admit his wrongdoing and I will spare him. He looks into my eyes and denies it still, even under pain of death.

Is it possible the Lord would put me in position to slay him, if he is indeed innocent?

I eagerly await your response. The crowd grows restless.

Maximilien

Dear Maximilien.

SLAY THE SCOUNDREL. Are you blind, man? A liar lies, and indeed he dies as he lives!

Cut his head off and put it on the highest pike for such an utter betrayal. God is dead: you have overcome this rake by your righteousness alone - with utter certainty in your heart have you pinned this cockroach. Do with him as you would the vilest scum of the Earth, and do not sully your bride further with your frivolous human doubts.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless lifesize puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed. Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.