the harlequin deities of show

May 12 2025

FRIENDO's ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!1It's a Scorpion full moon tonight and our irregular advice columnist Friendo of FRIENDO's ADVICE has sold friendo's soul to the harlequin deities of "show".

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Friendo will be producing a sketch show this June very much in unfriendly competition with spit&vigor's regular programming.

Tickets will be on sale soon, keep your eyes peeled before Friendo does it for you!! To reserve seats, carve the date "June 26th" into your forearm with a clean blade anointed with oil.

REJOICE.

In honor of these fair tidings, let's take some frequently asked questions submitted by friendo's legions of devoted followers. If you'd like to submit, please write to the email listed at the end.

We must request no more anatomical renderings, the human body shocks and disdains Friendo.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, do you take phone calls or voicemails? If so, what's your number?

FRIENDO: Indeed I do.

You must empty your home of all earthly possessions, and cover your windows with black masking.

Once that is done, pass around the room three times whispering the name of Friendo all the time.

A black rotary corded telephone will appear in the middle of the floor. Pick up the receiver. You will hear my voice.

I will tell you three truths you are unprepared to hear. Do not hang up the phone until I have uttered three truths, or when you uncover the windows you will not recognize the world you are in any longer.

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo's voice is a terrible rasping hollow noise, like the last breaths of a dying man. You do not hear friendo's words so much as you understand friendo's meaning in your soul. Do not hang up the phone.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what finish do you use to keep yourself looking fresh?

FRIENDO: It is a tinted lacquered resin by Windsor & Newton.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what have we done to deserve such wisdom bestowed upon us?

FRIENDO: Nothing at all. You do not deserve my wisdom. You may choose to see it as my divine benevolence, or my calculated cruelty, as all paths of knowledge inevitably lead to pain and anguish.

FAQ: Friendo... are you... God?

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo did not issue a response to this question but cackled menacingly for seven minutes.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.

Bedeviled in Bethlehem

Jan 4 2025

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

My deah Friendo,

I am writin to ya from de 1917 Big Top circus railway caravan, stopped momentarily at a yard between Philly an New York City, shortly headin onward. Don' wanna give no other info cus de little uni-cycle-riding clowns are already lookin at me funny, like I's lawst my mind, but I figger you'd have sum insight inta my predicament heah. Ah, pahdon the cigar ash, it's gettin all ovah.

So de past few days I's been mindin my own bidniss, coatin de big top wit paraffin wax so's to keep the rain out, "wedder-proofen" an such. I lays it out ovah de wooden train cars, ya know circus-type wit erl lanterns swingin inside (circus ain't shellin out for any a dem new-fangled steel rail cars, that's fer damn sure) an I sees is little black cat, jes eyein me. Sittin next to the pail a paraffin wax, jes cleanin hisself, cleanin hisself, cleanin hisself, wit one green eye jes, locked on me. One night he even slinks right tru my two legs - made me drop my cigarillo inna bucket a wax, and it went up like a flare, I'll tell ya!

Anyways he keeps lookin over at de flame-eaters-- they's always spittin flames out in the rail yard nearby where's I'm workin-- den he looks back at me, wit a liddle face like "what's a matter witchu?"

I tried danglin my kerchief for im ta swat at, but he jes points is lil paw at de guys takin their smoke breaks in the yard, den at ME and drags is lil paw cross his neck. Den he jes stares at me, til he finally jes shakes is lil head like it's sum kinda damn shame.  

Is he tryin ta tell me sometin or am I just goin crazy...? I preciate any help you can give me, im wild by hahf ovah heah.

Thank ya kindly,

Bedeviled in Bethlehem

--

Dear Bedeviled,

Pff. Black cats always think they're saying something.

[Editor's note: Friendo took a moment to scoff again and shake friendos head, staring with cold dead eyes at a blank wall for a moment before moving on, with disgust]

Black cats. Pfft.

Pfft, I say!

Allegedly, black cats turn up when a person is following the wrong path in life. And they think they know everything because they were bestowed with mythic pathfinding abilities by the ancient Celts of all people. Please. I'll come to you when I need a tall... blond... warrior....... well. I'm hurting my own case, but they're a bunch of heathens I assure you.

Still... it's usually wise to consider whatever they think is wisdom, even if you disagree. And in this case, I must say, I highly disagree with this particular cat.

He seems to be suggesting that coating a circus big top tent with highly combustible wax is unwise in some way - but how else would you boil thousands of children alive in dripping hot wax...? I assume that's what you aim to do, I can't think of another reason one might pitch a flammable tent in an isolated clearing, then lure children with candied applies and trick ponies.

It will be a marvelous feast, and just in time for an abundant new year! I suggest a salt and pepper sear with a raspberry compote for human child meat. It seems simple but you're looking to enhance the flavor, not cover it!

You were wise to write to me. It can be difficult to parse our own signs from the universe, particularly when they're coming from goddamn cats. But sometimes they're telling us things we already know deep down. Perhaps he's suggesting you engage one of the flame-eaters in your task, have you been rejecting that community? Or maybe he thinks you should give them more strategic positions so that the tent is inescapable, that's worth considering! Communication is always key when it comes to a child boil.

I have a close associate who eats cats if you need help exterminating this particular one. Otherwise I'd say great work and keep on as you are.

Good luck, and happy new year!

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions?

Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.

Marine misery

Nov 26 2024

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

I know your column is for humans, and I'm only half-human - I hope I qualify!!!!!!!!!1 LOL

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Sorry!! That's just my tail.

Anyway, little known fact, mermaids do climb onto shore once a year to seduce a sailor and steal his heart. Like, literally we take his literal physical heart out of his chest and eat it or something. I don't even know WHYYY LOL it's just kind of what we do, ahhh. But it's only once a year!!

So anyway a few months ago, me and the girlies climbed up onto the shore, spent like an hour practicing walking around like a person - so embarrassing lol - and then we like, stumbled into town but it's fine cause we always go on a festival day so everyone is kind of drunk anyway and we just like blend.

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Whoops! Tail again.

Anyway, I find a sailor, and I'm like, ok let's rip this heart out, but then for the first time like ever... I was shook. Total heart-eyes, like a total fool. And he has the prettiest eyes!! like the ocean which you know I love lol. And I like, stumbled into the street because of my stupid person legs and he like, literally saved my life, he protected me from those big like, manatee things? that pull the land-boats? they go like, clop clop clop and have enormous penises? and they could have crushed me, easily, but he protected me. Which was like, so nice.  So anyway I did not rip his heart out, I literally crawled back into the ocean at the end of the night with no heart at all which is insane.

This has literally never happened before, I genuinely think of human men as like gross pigs for slaughter, honestly sailors are always like "oi darl 'ow much den?" or like, "dangerous out here for a girl like you, ain't it?" and I'm always like "omg nooooo don't hurt me" before I bare my supersuper sharp teeth and rip his whole throat out LOL. But no, this time I don't even want to murder this man, for real. And it's like so sad, I like sit on a rock on the shore and just like, think about him. And like, I sing a little bit about it. Whatever. It's stupid.

Anyway for a while I was like, calling him with the mermaid song (diff from siren song because it's not like, mesmerizing, it doesn't matter but it also does??) because every time he like, comes to the shore, right? but then he's like "please wench release me from this torment", and like "your song is shards of glass in my heart", but like. Why even come then. Like again, my song is not mesmerizing, it's just like "hey, I'm here, I like you, what's up". He's like "why do you compel me sea witch" and I'm like, uh, I'm literally just sitting here singing. It's not my fault I'm hot. So we got into this big fight about it and I accidentally bared my scary mermaid teeth which I try not to do LOL cause it's like, not cute, and now he's too afraid to come to shore.

Do you think it's over? I'll be literally so sad if you think so because like, mermaid lore is such that I genuinely can only give my heart to one person so I'll like, die loving him literally. :(:(:(

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Tail.

Thanks for any help you can give,

Marine Misery

Dear Misery,

Honestly, if I know humans - and I don't really, I have very little interest - It seems like he's playing hard to get. "Shards of glass in my heart", please, write me a poem, John Donne. But, darling, why on Earth would you waste your time worrying about a human male? Why make yourself small to suit him? Bare your teeth. If he can fight a land manatee or whatever* he can get over himself, merwoman.

And just so you know, mermaids eat male hearts for the same reason all ghosts are brides or soldiers. It's revenge. Revenge upon men. Men who take their honor and leave them destitute, men who use boys like pawns in their games of life-size chess, and most importantly - men who encroach upon your home, leave their filthy... oil and... spit and excrement, slay and eat your kind, and give nothing in return.

Never let them forget the war they waged upon you and your kind, taking more than their fair share and leaving only their own filth. Let them live in fear of your tyranny, and let it always be a reminder of their original sins.

So honey, sharpen those teeth and ready yourself for your next festival. You're going to eat their hearts out.

*P.S. Horses. Clop clop, penises, etc - you're thinking about -horses-.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions?

Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.