Happy St. Patrick's Day!

March 17, 2026 FRIENDO's ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

friendo,

i have been made an offer of aid by

the mor-rhiogan,

the goddess of three forms: maiden, mother, crone.

maiden, yes.

mother, okay.

but the crone? no thank you. what is to be done with an old woman? it's embarrassing.

shall i accept this offer, or face the wars alone?

please respond quickly, i have bleached my hair with lime for battle and if it sets too long it gets all stiff and gross.

-the hound of ulster

Dear hound of ulster,

Bah. I finally receive a letter from a demigod, and it is full of human filth. I will do you the favor of burning the page so your foolish words do not follow you.

Are humans embarrassed when they are kicked by an old horse? Not more than a filly. Is it embarrassing to be mauled by a female lion? Not moreso than a male I would say. This distraction with oldness and womanness is petty humanity. You have allowed the humans to make you forget yourself. To think the mor-rioghan would offer herself to you as a maid if she knows you will disrespect her as a crone. Humbug!

Humans fear crones because they are of no practical use to men, and they have gathered the wisdom of the people. They are ungovernable. So men disdain them. You seem to have forgotten the old ways, and it will follow you. Dance to the new music, which is also the old music, or it will follow you.

Tomorrow on the road to battle, you will pass a washer at the ford, a crone as you say. You will see she is washing blood off of clothing and armor, and the water will run thick and red around her.

As you approach, you will come to recognize that the clothing she is washing is your clothing. The armor she is washing is your armor.

Here is your choice: you may choose to lay down your sword, join the crone and wash yourself in the blood.

Or you may continue on to battle.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.