the harlequin deities of show

May 12 2025

FRIENDO's ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!1It's a Scorpion full moon tonight and our irregular advice columnist Friendo of FRIENDO's ADVICE has sold friendo's soul to the harlequin deities of "show".

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

Friendo will be producing a sketch show this June very much in unfriendly competition with spit&vigor's regular programming.

Tickets will be on sale soon, keep your eyes peeled before Friendo does it for you!! To reserve seats, carve the date "June 26th" into your forearm with a clean blade anointed with oil.

REJOICE.

In honor of these fair tidings, let's take some frequently asked questions submitted by friendo's legions of devoted followers. If you'd like to submit, please write to the email listed at the end.

We must request no more anatomical renderings, the human body shocks and disdains Friendo.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, do you take phone calls or voicemails? If so, what's your number?

FRIENDO: Indeed I do.

You must empty your home of all earthly possessions, and cover your windows with black masking.

Once that is done, pass around the room three times whispering the name of Friendo all the time.

A black rotary corded telephone will appear in the middle of the floor. Pick up the receiver. You will hear my voice.

I will tell you three truths you are unprepared to hear. Do not hang up the phone until I have uttered three truths, or when you uncover the windows you will not recognize the world you are in any longer.

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo's voice is a terrible rasping hollow noise, like the last breaths of a dying man. You do not hear friendo's words so much as you understand friendo's meaning in your soul. Do not hang up the phone.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what finish do you use to keep yourself looking fresh?

FRIENDO: It is a tinted lacquered resin by Windsor & Newton.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what have we done to deserve such wisdom bestowed upon us?

FRIENDO: Nothing at all. You do not deserve my wisdom. You may choose to see it as my divine benevolence, or my calculated cruelty, as all paths of knowledge inevitably lead to pain and anguish.

FAQ: Friendo... are you... God?

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo did not issue a response to this question but cackled menacingly for seven minutes.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.