Bedeviled in Bethlehem

Jan 4 2025

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

My deah Friendo,

I am writin to ya from de 1917 Big Top circus railway caravan, stopped momentarily at a yard between Philly an New York City, shortly headin onward. Don' wanna give no other info cus de little uni-cycle-riding clowns are already lookin at me funny, like I's lawst my mind, but I figger you'd have sum insight inta my predicament heah. Ah, pahdon the cigar ash, it's gettin all ovah.

So de past few days I's been mindin my own bidniss, coatin de big top wit paraffin wax so's to keep the rain out, "wedder-proofen" an such. I lays it out ovah de wooden train cars, ya know circus-type wit erl lanterns swingin inside (circus ain't shellin out for any a dem new-fangled steel rail cars, that's fer damn sure) an I sees is little black cat, jes eyein me. Sittin next to the pail a paraffin wax, jes cleanin hisself, cleanin hisself, cleanin hisself, wit one green eye jes, locked on me. One night he even slinks right tru my two legs - made me drop my cigarillo inna bucket a wax, and it went up like a flare, I'll tell ya!

Anyways he keeps lookin over at de flame-eaters-- they's always spittin flames out in the rail yard nearby where's I'm workin-- den he looks back at me, wit a liddle face like "what's a matter witchu?"

I tried danglin my kerchief for im ta swat at, but he jes points is lil paw at de guys takin their smoke breaks in the yard, den at ME and drags is lil paw cross his neck. Den he jes stares at me, til he finally jes shakes is lil head like it's sum kinda damn shame.  

Is he tryin ta tell me sometin or am I just goin crazy...? I preciate any help you can give me, im wild by hahf ovah heah.

Thank ya kindly,

Bedeviled in Bethlehem

--

Dear Bedeviled,

Pff. Black cats always think they're saying something.

[Editor's note: Friendo took a moment to scoff again and shake friendos head, staring with cold dead eyes at a blank wall for a moment before moving on, with disgust]

Black cats. Pfft.

Pfft, I say!

Allegedly, black cats turn up when a person is following the wrong path in life. And they think they know everything because they were bestowed with mythic pathfinding abilities by the ancient Celts of all people. Please. I'll come to you when I need a tall... blond... warrior....... well. I'm hurting my own case, but they're a bunch of heathens I assure you.

Still... it's usually wise to consider whatever they think is wisdom, even if you disagree. And in this case, I must say, I highly disagree with this particular cat.

He seems to be suggesting that coating a circus big top tent with highly combustible wax is unwise in some way - but how else would you boil thousands of children alive in dripping hot wax...? I assume that's what you aim to do, I can't think of another reason one might pitch a flammable tent in an isolated clearing, then lure children with candied applies and trick ponies.

It will be a marvelous feast, and just in time for an abundant new year! I suggest a salt and pepper sear with a raspberry compote for human child meat. It seems simple but you're looking to enhance the flavor, not cover it!

You were wise to write to me. It can be difficult to parse our own signs from the universe, particularly when they're coming from goddamn cats. But sometimes they're telling us things we already know deep down. Perhaps he's suggesting you engage one of the flame-eaters in your task, have you been rejecting that community? Or maybe he thinks you should give them more strategic positions so that the tent is inescapable, that's worth considering! Communication is always key when it comes to a child boil.

I have a close associate who eats cats if you need help exterminating this particular one. Otherwise I'd say great work and keep on as you are.

Good luck, and happy new year!

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

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