Marine misery

Nov 26 2024

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

I know your column is for humans, and I'm only half-human - I hope I qualify!!!!!!!!!1 LOL

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Sorry!! That's just my tail.

Anyway, little known fact, mermaids do climb onto shore once a year to seduce a sailor and steal his heart. Like, literally we take his literal physical heart out of his chest and eat it or something. I don't even know WHYYY LOL it's just kind of what we do, ahhh. But it's only once a year!!

So anyway a few months ago, me and the girlies climbed up onto the shore, spent like an hour practicing walking around like a person - so embarrassing lol - and then we like, stumbled into town but it's fine cause we always go on a festival day so everyone is kind of drunk anyway and we just like blend.

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Whoops! Tail again.

Anyway, I find a sailor, and I'm like, ok let's rip this heart out, but then for the first time like ever... I was shook. Total heart-eyes, like a total fool. And he has the prettiest eyes!! like the ocean which you know I love lol. And I like, stumbled into the street because of my stupid person legs and he like, literally saved my life, he protected me from those big like, manatee things? that pull the land-boats? they go like, clop clop clop and have enormous penises? and they could have crushed me, easily, but he protected me. Which was like, so nice.  So anyway I did not rip his heart out, I literally crawled back into the ocean at the end of the night with no heart at all which is insane.

This has literally never happened before, I genuinely think of human men as like gross pigs for slaughter, honestly sailors are always like "oi darl 'ow much den?" or like, "dangerous out here for a girl like you, ain't it?" and I'm always like "omg nooooo don't hurt me" before I bare my supersuper sharp teeth and rip his whole throat out LOL. But no, this time I don't even want to murder this man, for real. And it's like so sad, I like sit on a rock on the shore and just like, think about him. And like, I sing a little bit about it. Whatever. It's stupid.

Anyway for a while I was like, calling him with the mermaid song (diff from siren song because it's not like, mesmerizing, it doesn't matter but it also does??) because every time he like, comes to the shore, right? but then he's like "please wench release me from this torment", and like "your song is shards of glass in my heart", but like. Why even come then. Like again, my song is not mesmerizing, it's just like "hey, I'm here, I like you, what's up". He's like "why do you compel me sea witch" and I'm like, uh, I'm literally just sitting here singing. It's not my fault I'm hot. So we got into this big fight about it and I accidentally bared my scary mermaid teeth which I try not to do LOL cause it's like, not cute, and now he's too afraid to come to shore.

Do you think it's over? I'll be literally so sad if you think so because like, mermaid lore is such that I genuinely can only give my heart to one person so I'll like, die loving him literally. :(:(:(

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Tail.

Thanks for any help you can give,

Marine Misery

Dear Misery,

Honestly, if I know humans - and I don't really, I have very little interest - It seems like he's playing hard to get. "Shards of glass in my heart", please, write me a poem, John Donne. But, darling, why on Earth would you waste your time worrying about a human male? Why make yourself small to suit him? Bare your teeth. If he can fight a land manatee or whatever* he can get over himself, merwoman.

And just so you know, mermaids eat male hearts for the same reason all ghosts are brides or soldiers. It's revenge. Revenge upon men. Men who take their honor and leave them destitute, men who use boys like pawns in their games of life-size chess, and most importantly - men who encroach upon your home, leave their filthy... oil and... spit and excrement, slay and eat your kind, and give nothing in return.

Never let them forget the war they waged upon you and your kind, taking more than their fair share and leaving only their own filth. Let them live in fear of your tyranny, and let it always be a reminder of their original sins.

So honey, sharpen those teeth and ready yourself for your next festival. You're going to eat their hearts out.

*P.S. Horses. Clop clop, penises, etc - you're thinking about -horses-.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions?

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