FRIENDO FAQs

Feb 5 2024

GOOD NEWS!

Back by popular demand, our irregular advice column FRIENDO's ADVICE has returned.

REJOICE.

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

To get back into the swing of things, let's take some frequently asked questions!

FAQ: Dear Friendo, do you take phone calls or voicemails?

FRIENDO: Indeed I do.

You must empty your home of all earthly possessions, and cover your windows with black masking.

Once that is done, pass around the room three times whispering the name of Friendo all the time.

A black rotary corded telephone will appear in the middle of the floor. Pick up the receiver. You will hear my voice.

I will tell you three truths you are unprepared to hear. Do not hang up the phone until I have uttered three truths, or when you uncover the windows you will not recognize the world you are in any longer.

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo's voice is a terrible rasping hollow noise, like the last breaths of a dying man. You do not hear friendo's words so much as you understand friendo's meaning in your soul. Do not hang up the phone.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what finish do you use to keep yourself looking fresh?

FRIENDO: It is a tinted lacquered resin by Windsor & Newton.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what have we done to deserve such wisdom bestowed upon us?

FRIENDO: Nothing at all. You do not deserve my wisdom. You may choose to see it as my divine benevolence, or my calculated cruelty, as all paths of knowledge inevitably lead to pain and anguish.

FAQ: Friendo... are you... God?

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo did not issue a response to this question but cackled menacingly for seven minutes.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.

A Special Valentine's Day Message

Feb 14 2023

FRIENDO'S ADVICE -

A special holiday message

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

Happy Valentine's Day! I've always loved Valentine's Day, and in the past it never bothered me if I was alone. I love flowers, and the colors red and pink, I love going to dinner, and chocolate, and roses, and I love sex if that works out for me on this sacred day.

But this year I am a little blue. I'm in love with someone and there's just no way forward. Do you have any suggestions or rituals for forgetting?

Sincerely,

Criminal in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery

Dear Criminal,

What? What is this holiday about? I came prepared with advice on how to dispatch a saint, is that not what we are doing?

My God, you humans never cease to disappoint me. Really, Saint Valentinus? The patron saint of epilepsy and beekeepers. This is the feast day you choose to turn into some cheap holiday celebrating, what? Novelty plastic phalluses? Oh, my mistake, "carnal love". BAH. You barely know the meaning of the word.  

Any way, if anyone is interested in actually murdering a saint, I guess just... beat them with clubs and stones, and then behead them. Sometimes they'll pick up their own head and walk to their grave which can be quite entertaining.

I had tips and tricks, etc. but... ugh. Just forget it. I'm too depressed.

Keep the skull, don't let the Catholics get it.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com

Point / Counterpoint

Jan 11 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

This week, we are featuring a friendly POINT / COUNTERPOINT between advice columnist and undead puppet Friendo, and Artistic Director of spit&vigor, Sara Fellini.

POINT, by Sara Fellini: The spit&vigor production team was well within its rights to respectfully decline Friendo's frequent attempts to audition for our upcoming production of ECTOPLASM

spit&vigor respects and values Friendo's contributions to our productions - both productions that friendo is cast in, and productions that friendo must unfortunately cheer from the sidelines - which we know friendo will do!!!!!!!

As a life-size sentient - but inanimate - puppet, realistically there are only so many roles available to Friendo. And this production does not have a role for a statue, or corpse, or artists' model, or hanged man, or some other type of dead person, etc.

So, while we appreciate the enthusiasm... the aggressive, aggressive enthusiasm... the reality is that we simply cannot accomodate Friendo in every spit&vigor production.

COUNTERPOINT, by Friendo: Friendo should be in Ectoplasm.

FRIENDO should be in Ectoplasm. Nay, Friendo should be in ALL theatrical productions.

HOW interesting that after my star turn as the corpse of Dorcas Kelly (the TITLE ROLE) in The Wake of Dorcas Kelly this past July, suddenly the roles have dried up at spit&vigor theatre company!! HMM!! Could it be that a certain Artistic Director is... jealous??

INTERESTING that now I can't even get an AUDITION at the theater company that I helped build from the ground up, and in whose studio I currently reside, a dusty PRISON! with my pet and life partner Murder Bird, who - I might add - has not been cast in a production since she played a stuffed grouse in the home of Lord Byron in Mary's Little Monster, in July 2019!!! Is there no room for a taxidermied grouse at the well-furnished home of Madame Montfort in Ectoplasm? Does Madame Montfort have an aversion to avian taxidermy? Hmmm I don't recall reading that in the script. AND YES I READ IT.

In short, it's Artistic Director Sara Fellini who should need to beg for auditions, scrounging like some living, non-taxidermied grouse. Has anyone ever seen her tread the boards? "Sentient but inanimate", indeed.

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.