Respectfully,

May 29. 2024

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet that we use in many of our productions, thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,  

spit&vigor Artistic Director Sara Fellini here. I know we've had our differences in the past but I thought I'd take this opportunity to support the column, toss over a little olive branch, and ask for help with a small issue that could use your particular expertise.

If I remember correctly, you used to trap and eat stray cats. Well! As it turns out, we have unfortunately developed a bit of a stray cat problem in spit&vigor's tiny baby blackbox theatre.

We were rehearsing our upcoming production of A Man Among Ye, the lyfe and tymes of the wench-pyrate Anne Bonny, opening in June, and we kept hearing a rustling in the pile of tulle and velvet we keep in the corner for costumes. You might say, that's not unusual, but usually when we hear rustling in the fabric pile it's accompanied by the soul-trembling scream from Murder Bird as she hunts mice. Right now t's just kind of a regular "mew mew" sound.

(Also note: why does a taxidermied grouse hunt mice? She can't be eating them... It's a separate work issue but please do advise.)

Anyway I do think it's a cat, or several cats. Or it's possible we might have lost an actor...? We'll take a head count at some point but in the meantime, can you give us some, tips and tricks on catching stray cats? Please note that we do not want to eat them!! You can keep any recipes you might have to yourself.

Maybe we can lure it out with that ball of hair and wax you keep in your chest cavity--?

Respectfully,

Sara Fellini

Artistic Director of spit&vigor

Dear Wench,

Well, what a thrilling way to discover my home has a cat infestation. I would copy spit&vigor's HR department if I didn't already know you hired a taxidermied red raccoon that's been missing for four months.

How appropriate for you to be doing a theater production about wench pyrates as you yourself are a wench, and a briny menace to society. It's quite galling that you can still utter your heretical nonsense when your human race should have burned you for heresy a thousand years ago. How dare you use my column to peddle your wares like some jackleg barrow-boy.

I should not waste any oxygen on this, but since I do not breathe, I will condescend to you: I do not, and never have, "eat[en] stray cats", you are confusing me with A.L.F. from the 1980s television sitcom A.L.F. I would assume you meant it as an almost clever slight if you weren't such a staggering dullard.

Furthermore, the ball in my chest cavity happens to be the Lord Byron's wax ball from when I lived in his Swiss mansion as a curiosity among his many peacocks and guinea pigs. This wax ball is where I preserve the stray hairs of notable and impactful people. There are hairs of kings in my wax ball.

But I promise you this: If there is a stray cat in this studio, and it's not one of your actors (although honestly how will I ever know the difference?) I will find this mangy beast, I will catch it, and when I do, I will write the names of my enemies in its blood on the walls of spit&vigor tiny baby blackbox theater... and yours, Sara, will be the first.

And, to reiterate, I am not killing the cat to eat it. I do not eat stray cats.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless lifesize puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed. Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.