A nose knows.

Feb 25 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

To Friendo the puppet.

I need help and I need help now. I am an old man, a carpenter and a loving family Man. My entire life I have given myself to the making and creating of fine wooden products. My specialty has always been puppets and I have been very successful, until now!

My latest project, let's call him P, has decided out of the blue he wants to be a real boy, a real boy!

Santa Maria! What’s to be done? I am a carpenter, not a god. I can copy life, not create it.

Please help, what to do with a puppet who wants more?

A nose knows.

Tuscany, Italy.

Dear Geppetto, and yes I know it's you, your extremely clever nom de plume isn't fooling me.

Geppetto, I know I would not be the first to tell you that you are totally, absolutely, completely unfit to be a father. I'm assuming the blue fairy has stopped granting your inane wishes, and so now you're coming to me? No, Geppetto. No. You can't even take care of your puppets, and we don't need to eat or breathe. You cannot have a human child. The last time you had even just a conscious puppet he smoked a cigar and almost turned into a donkey. A donkey, Geppetto. How does that even happen?

You sent a sentient wooden baby out into the world by himself on his first day of life. And then somehow YOU get lost in the belly of a whale. Do you know how hard it is to even find a whale, let alone somehow get inside of it? Most people would have to be genuinely trying to fail that hard at being a father, but to you it comes naturally. So therefore I say - just tell the puppet it can't be a real boy and be done with it. Stick to things that cannot suffocate inside of other mammals.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.