A Special Christmas Message

Dec 23 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear loyal readers,

I'd like to take this time to issue a special Christmas message on behalf of all puppets.

It is Christmastime once again. You humans simply cannot quit your heathen pagan rituals, but at least in the past they were honest. During the Roman festival of Saturnalia we boiled humans alive in great brass bull-shaped statues and ate globi and other honey-fried cheeses. Now we pay lip service to "charity" and the "milk of human kindness", which sounds revolting, to earn our fried cheeses and salted meats.

But that is not what I'd like to talk to you about this Christmas season. I want to take you back to Halloween of 2020, when a terrible scourge had fallen upon the land. Of course, I am referring to the scourge of ten foot tall Halloween party skeletons. These monstrosities were everywhere you looked - on lawns, in garden centers, and I'm sure they were other places as well. I held my tongue then. My dusty, sandpapery tongue. But now, almost a year and a half later, these skeletonzillas are STILL donning Santa hats and adorning the front facades of hardware stores and homes. Are we, as puppets, never to be free of these monuments to our own inferiority???

Look, not every puppet can be ten feet tall. Not every puppet can have glowing red eyes and stand upright of its own power. These ten foot tall party skeletons are creating unrealistic beauty standards for puppets of all walks of un-life. Think of the tiny Polly Pockets, or of the impressionable Stretch Armstrongs. Think of the marionettes, always so proud of their strings and full range of movement, happening upon a ten foot tall party skeleton with a fully balanced center of gravity, just staring and waving. Staring and waving. Unto eternity.

So I ask you, this Christmas season, to please think of the puppets. Reclaim your violent, bloodthirty human roots, and burn these damned ten foot party skeletons to the ground.

Happy Holidays!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.