A Special Valentine's Day Message

Feb 14 2023

FRIENDO'S ADVICE -

A special holiday message

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

Happy Valentine's Day! I've always loved Valentine's Day, and in the past it never bothered me if I was alone. I love flowers, and the colors red and pink, I love going to dinner, and chocolate, and roses, and I love sex if that works out for me on this sacred day.

But this year I am a little blue. I'm in love with someone and there's just no way forward. Do you have any suggestions or rituals for forgetting?

Sincerely,

Criminal in the Hollywood Forever Cemetery

Dear Criminal,

What? What is this holiday about? I came prepared with advice on how to dispatch a saint, is that not what we are doing?

My God, you humans never cease to disappoint me. Really, Saint Valentinus? The patron saint of epilepsy and beekeepers. This is the feast day you choose to turn into some cheap holiday celebrating, what? Novelty plastic phalluses? Oh, my mistake, "carnal love". BAH. You barely know the meaning of the word.  

Any way, if anyone is interested in actually murdering a saint, I guess just... beat them with clubs and stones, and then behead them. Sometimes they'll pick up their own head and walk to their grave which can be quite entertaining.

I had tips and tricks, etc. but... ugh. Just forget it. I'm too depressed.

Keep the skull, don't let the Catholics get it.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com