Alpha dog afraid of becoming a beta

May 22 2020

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

Truth be told I had never read  your column, never even heard of you until recently when a dear friend of mine who reads your column every week introduced me to your work, and what can I say, now I'm hooked.

Like so many I am housebound due to the corona pandemic, and it has its challenges but the one I never expected is the attitude I seem to be getting from my dog.

It's clear to me that my dog thinks I am “cramping her space” and that she no longer gets her alone time which she used to get when I went off to work. How do I give my dog the space she needs and still maintain dominance in the house?  

Not only do I pick up her poop but now I let her use the lounge room while I sulk off to go sit in the bedroom alone.

Help me!

Alpha dog afraid of becoming a beta

Sedona, Arizona.

Dear ADABB,

I am jarred and confused, human. Are you telling me that people actually consider themselves the masters of dogs? Ho, ho! Even a cursory scan of present-day humanity tells a very different tale indeed. I disagree with you, "Alpha", that this current dynamic is anything but beneficial to both you and the dog.

I suggest you, ALL OF YOU, stop denying the obvious and simply let the dogs run the household in both name and action, reconcile with the ever-growing truth, and end this burlesque caricature of what humanity once was. Everyone will be happier and more satisfied once you give up this farce that you are "masters of the animals". Who puts little shoesies on whom, humans? I rest my case. But all the same, thank you for the hearty laugh that echoes ominously through my hollow exterior.

I hope that helps, human! Until next time.

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions?  Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to spitnvigor@gmail.com.