Big Anthony in Calabria

Sept 6 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

Like many people, I started making sourdough bread during the pandemic. Except that mine never stopped rising. I must have left it too long, and now it's taken over my entire home. I open my door, and there's sourdough. I have to slip in the door and squeeze against the wall to get anywhere, sourdough pressing me all the way. I am typing this blind, as I had to feel around for my laptop and my head is pushed all the way back by sourdough. It's broken all my dishes and I can't find my bed anymore, I just sleep cradled by sourdough. Moreover, I'm beginning to hear a long, low moan coming from inside the mass. I can't decide if the sourdough is gaining consciousness or if it pinned some kind of injured animal inside of my house. Please help?

Big Anthony in Calabria

Dear Big Anthony,

I think you know what you have to do. Get some marinara sauce and a glass of wine, and eat that sourdough. If it has already gained sentience, you definitely want to eat it all before it develops a soul, trust me. It's a pity you never baked it, so please keep some Pepto Bismol on hand (Pepto Bismol, send your sponsorship inquiries to the email below).

And let this be a lesson to you, Big Anthony! Seems me and your nonna are always getting you out of jams like this!

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.