FRIENDO FAQs

Feb 5 2024

GOOD NEWS!

Back by popular demand, our irregular advice column FRIENDO's ADVICE has returned.

REJOICE.

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

To get back into the swing of things, let's take some frequently asked questions!

FAQ: Dear Friendo, do you take phone calls or voicemails?

FRIENDO: Indeed I do.

You must empty your home of all earthly possessions, and cover your windows with black masking.

Once that is done, pass around the room three times whispering the name of Friendo all the time.

A black rotary corded telephone will appear in the middle of the floor. Pick up the receiver. You will hear my voice.

I will tell you three truths you are unprepared to hear. Do not hang up the phone until I have uttered three truths, or when you uncover the windows you will not recognize the world you are in any longer.

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo's voice is a terrible rasping hollow noise, like the last breaths of a dying man. You do not hear friendo's words so much as you understand friendo's meaning in your soul. Do not hang up the phone.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what finish do you use to keep yourself looking fresh?

FRIENDO: It is a tinted lacquered resin by Windsor & Newton.

FAQ: Dear Friendo, what have we done to deserve such wisdom bestowed upon us?

FRIENDO: Nothing at all. You do not deserve my wisdom. You may choose to see it as my divine benevolence, or my calculated cruelty, as all paths of knowledge inevitably lead to pain and anguish.

FAQ: Friendo... are you... God?

Note from spit&vigor! Friendo did not issue a response to this question but cackled menacingly for seven minutes.

I hope that helps, human!

Love,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.