Giving thanks in Punxsatawney PA

Nov 24 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

Happy Thanksgiving! Do you have any fun recipes for special desserts or hot dishes? I know I'd love to hear them!

Giving thanks,

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania

Dear Punx,

Being a puppet, I do not eat human food, but as I could be considered "eternal", or "undead", that means I can remember exactly 400 years of Thanksgivings. In fact, since I once moonlighted as the nautical figurehead on the Mayflower, I can tell you that they certainly weren't eating condensed milk heated in a tin of flour with pumpkin pulp at the first harvest celebration in the "new world". Before the Wampanoag came along, those poor Pilgrim bastards were stomping chipmunks just to get some protein. Sad.

So I'll share with you a recipe for a drink the colonists used to make to stave off utter starvation.

Put a pot of light, flavorless beere to the fyre, and then add egges and a dish of sweet butter. Literally boil butter and eggs with beer in this ungodly stew, and then add a penniworth of nutmeg, sugar, or whatever will mask the taste of madness you are about to imbibe. Consume it and regret stalling death. Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.