How do I rid myself of this albatross

Sept 29 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

I just want to begin by saying that I know we've had our disagreements in the past. I hope I've always been professional with you, for instance when you've insistently and repeatedly suggested that we use real human blood in our productions, regardless of the context of the play. I hope I've been friendly and cordial when I explained that human blood would violate several health codes, not to mention the cost and sourcing issues, even if we wanted to use actual blood, which again, we do not.

But I have a lot of respect for your column, and I thought I'd write in for some of your famous advice.

A few years ago, spit&vigor was picking up some supplies at Materials for the Arts, and there sitting on top of a shelf labelled "household items" I first laid my eyes upon a horrible, hideous taxidermy grouse, with really angry glass eyes.

It was the perfect prop for one of our productions at the time, but now... I cannot quit this bird. Not even now, that its head has somehow detached from its body and keeps falling off from the high, high shelf I've stowed it on. As much as I am disgusted by the very concept of killing and stuffing animals, and as much as the ancient taxidermy makes me physically sick, I am drawn to this horrible grouse, as I've never been drawn to anything before.

How do I rid myself of this albatross?

Sincerely,

Sara Fellini

Artistic Director

spit&vigor

Dear Satan,

Her NAME is Murder Bird. Did you in all seriousness write into this column to ask me how to dispatch my dearest and only friend in the world?

Turns out I do have some advice for you. Why don't you just eat Murder Bird, as you filthy humans are wont to do, eat birds? And then why don't you choke on her little taxidermied skull?

Tell me something. Are you under any illusions that you are not the most transparent wench-proprietress that ever clomped upon the boards of Theater? I see your little plan. You thought you could stroke my ego, and I might help promote your little fundraiser for a studio space to my thousands and thousands of fans.

Well, I speak for one of us when I say that I am no whore. Good day to you.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.