Jack the fairy killer

March 11 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Friendo!

This letter requires immediate action, something terrible has happened!

Recently my child, my dearest daughter lost her first  tooth. As any good parent I told her to leave it under the pillow for the tooth fairy.

Now like so many I always thought the tooth fairy was a story, a myth, a tall tale we told the children much like the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause.

You cannot imagine my surprise when I entered my daughters room that night with a quarter to place under her pillow only to find a small fairy flying around her pillow.

Well I did what anyone would do, what any parent would do. I reacted, I protected my kin, I killed the tooth fairy!!

Help me, what do I do? I have the poor lifeless body of the fairy in a shoebox under the stairs?

I need help! Do I bury? Do I flush? Do I feed it to the dog?

And what if all those teeth amassing all over the world under so many pillows? What’s to become of them? Or is there more than one tooth fairy?

Please help!

Jack the Fairy Killer

Broken Arrow, Oklahoma

Dear Jack,

Well, well, well. The wicked witch is dead. How fitting I would hear of the untimely demise of that little gnat than by one of the very hapless humans she conned for so many years.

Now, Jack, I have made it no secret - I am not a fan of humanity. And yet as much as I disdain your stinking, sweating hides, I abide a petty thief even less. And a petty thief is exactly what the tooth fairy is. Or, was, if your letter is to be believed.

She stole the rotting teeth of humanity, dealt in your fetid refuse. She paid for her disgusting cargo, hauling it back to her lair at a cost so far below the going rate for human teeth that I rightly call her a swindler, a con artist, a cardsharp. She didn't even keep receipts! Not quite legitimate.

I say you give her the burial due to all thieves and scallywags, and throw her wasted corpse in a river. Barring that, you may flush her. But beware - give her a good shake first. Fairy dust will clog your toilet.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

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