Maskless

July 24, 2020

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling with no creativity whatsoever, "FRIENDO'S ADVICE".

Dear Friendo,

First of all, let me say how much I enjoy your column. Everytime I see a new mailer from spit&vigor I scroll immediately down to it. Your words and advice give me so much solace in this crazy world.

I have a question which I am sure many people are dying to ask. Which is the right mask for me? In the new world of wearing masks, which I proudly support. The question is now what sort of mask? What does my mask say about me? Should I get a fashionable coloured mask? A pattern? A slogan? Or even my favorite band? Help me I'm frozen. There are to many choices, its reminisce of my younger days wandering a Blockbuster Video for hours not knowing what to choose.

Help Friendo, you’re my only hope.

Maskless

Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

Dear Maskless,

Well, here we are. We've worn a mask every day of our lives since we first felt the stinging scorn of our peers or the utter shame of our own flapping, floundering vulnerability, and now we piss and groan at the very thought of having to cover our lying faces.

You want a garish, festooned, shimmery mask to replace your hollow soul, your complete lack of personality or artistry? Are you not satisfied with the pale medical blue, or the strident black masks of your fellow humans? Smear your filthy, germ-covered face with glitter, you fool, and breathe in every metallic shard. Have each laughing, glittering diamond cut you like tiny knives, just to -- for once -- know the true pain of existence that you've averted your face from all these years.

And thus glitter, is my recommendation. You should get a glitter mask, with a filter.

Those... are prettiest.

I hope that helps, human! Until next time.

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions?  Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to spitnvigor@gmail.com.