Not amaized!

Feb 11 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

To Mr/Mrs Friendo,

I need your help, there is no time to wax poetic, blow smoke and  tell you how much your column means to me or any of that rot. I need help!

I run a large corn maze in upstate New York and I lost a child!! And not just any child, my child, my son!

I turned my back for a moment and he ran into the maze and I have not seen him since. That was Tuesday, today is Friday. I told my wife that Frankie, our son, was staying over at his friend's house, but there is only so long she will fall for that.

Help me, what do I do?

Not Amaized!

Poughkeepsie, New York

Dear Amaized,

I'm so sorry, it seems that this letter slipped through the cracks somehow. I shall slap myself on the wrist. Bad Friendo!

Seeing as it is February, and corn mazes are most popular in upstate New York September through November, your child is most likely lost to The Maze by now. Don't beat yourself up about it, many children each year are absorbed into corn mazes. It's an underreported danger of the autumn season.

If you still hold out a bit of hope, and I truly wouldn't, you might leave some crackers and cheese by the entrance of the maze to try and lure your child out. I am told children enjoy crackers and some type of cheese? But be wary of the other "Children of the Corn", as feeding them can be quite dangerous.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to spitnvigor@gmail.com.