Plastered

March 19 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

I recently moved to a new apartment, and while I was repainting the walls I noticed a piece of tape. I attempted to pull it off, but as I pulled, a piece of the wall plaster came off with it. I tried to remove the tape from the wall plaster, but in trying to do this, I just ended up pulling MORE of the wall down. Before I knew it, there was a huge section of original dry wall exposed and I'm at a loss as to how to fix it. Someone decades ago must have plastered OVER WALLPAPER - wallpaper that had been papered OVER another wallpaper! The wallpaper looks like it's from the 1940s. What is wrong with people?

Plastered,

New York City

Dear Plastered,

Well, this is certainly not the worst thing you can find in a wall. I should tell you about the apartment my friend Murder Bird rented in 1923. When she first moved in, she began to peck at the walls, as Murder Birds are wont to do. Well, what did she find, but a cavity in the wall filled with a pile of old razors! And it could be even worse if you believe it, I once found a tiny Care Bear figurine in the walls of a basement I was stored in. It was Funshine Bear. Terrible.

Anyway, it seems you're going to be needing some load-bearing wallpaper now. I suggest aluminum plating, or barring that, stapling some tinfoil to the wall. And be sure to gather all of the old wallpaper you mentioned in plastic bags and also staple them to the wall to make a festive nest for the March Madness season.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

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