Secret porpoise

July 1 2021

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling FRIENDO'S ADVICE.

Dear Friendo,

I am a medieval monk in a monastic retreat on the small island of Chappelle Dom Hue, off the coast of Guernsey. Just today I have been blessed most graciously by our Lord with a fully fledged porpoise, beached of a morning and layd out before mine eyes as the bountiful feast it will soon become! I dispatched the creature most readily, and now find myself in a predicament most confounding.

If I breathe a word of my prize, law demands I offer my delicacy to the monarch, or, as on this island, the abbot. Thus as a lowly monk, I might never taste the marine meat I so crave. I admit, my shameful earthly desire for the delicate melody of flavors I have heard tell porpoise meat offers are perhaps clouding my own judgement in this matter.

Shall I inform the abbot??

Your most dutiful servant,

Secret Porpoise

Dear Porpoise,

Do not tell the abbot.

I cannot stress this point enough: you must have this porpoise. Porpoise meat is among the most savory delicacies in the world and you must not deny yourself its pleasures.

Dig a grave. It must be a regular Christian grave cut so as not to arouse suspicion. Fill it with salt brine to preserve your porpoise, pack the porpoise into the grave (you can perhaps add some ginger and pepper to marinate it), and leave it until the time is right for you to cook and eat it, savoring your sinful prize, under the full light of the moon.

I hope that helps, human!

Sincerely,

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions? Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you. Please write to inquiries@spitnvigor.com.