Tired

August 17 2020

FRIENDO'S ADVICE

We all have problems in our lives, spanning from the existential to the very mundane, and Friendo, the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions thinks friendo can help.

So we've compiled some of these deep questions in a column we're calling with no creativity whatsoever, "FRIENDO'S ADVICE".

Friendo,

Please help me!

I’m lost  drowning in a sea of my own confusion. Drifting away from land with nothing but a plank for a raft and a coconut for a paddle. Floating in space with no one at the end of my tether! Wandering in the desert with little more than an old newspaper and a canteen with a hole in it.

I have tried my friends, my work colleagues, strangers on the street  and every other advice column I can think of, but know one has the answer. You are my last hope!

As the seers and prophets used to say, seek and you shall find, be humble and the answers shall dawn on you, open your heart to the universe and it will keep you warm.

Where are my car keys?

Tired of walking

Sacramento, California.

Dear Tired,

I suppose you think you're real clever, Tired. I suppose you think this is some kind of biiiiiiiiig joke. "How would a sexless, featureless, life-size puppet know where my stupid car keys are, in all of beautiful Sacramento, California? Wouldn't it be so funny to ask friendo where my dumb slimy car keys are, and make an utter mockery of this very column that friendo selflessly started to try to heal humanity, just a little bit", you think to yourself all smug in your air-conditioned apartment, with windows and probably doors and lights, while I sit here in storage in a rehearsal studio while the world waits to see if theater, or puppets, or any kind of live performance at all where one might actually use and enjoy a sexless featureless life-size puppet, might ever happen again on this Earth. You think this is funny, "Tired of walking"? You think it's funny that you can walk and breathe and live and feel the sun on your skin, and potentially even drive if you weren't such a sniveling absent-minded idiot, and I'm stuck here, in the dark, alone, just waiting??

Well here's what you didn't expect, Tired. I know where your car keys are. I've always known where your filthy car keys are, for your filthy garbage car, in your fetid, pestilent hometown where it never rains, and the urine of a thousand worthless humans is baked into the sidewalk. So why don't you come over here to New York City, a real city, and I'll bend over so you can--**OMITTED BY THE COMPANY FOR INDECENCY**

**********

I hope that helps, human! Until next time.

Friendo

Do you have a question you'd like to ask the featureless sexless life-size puppet we use in many of our productions?  Indeed, Friendo wishes to advise you.

Please write to spitnvigor@gmail.com.